Against The Tides
by Tempting Insanity
Summary: "What the hell are you going on about, Ryuk?" "You're no fun nowadays...A complete mess without that detective. You won't even play video games with me anymore! So I'm considering giving you something you might take great interest in, Light..." LxLight yaoi, rated M.
1. Regret

**Author's Note: L dies in this chapter, but don't worry, I have every intention of bringing him back as this _is _an LxLight story after all. Just thought I'd warn you.**

**Enjoy (:**

**Warning: Boyxboy, rated M stuff. So if you're not into that kinda thing, leave or if you'd like to review please do so constructively. No flames.**

**Chapter 1. Regret **

"Ryuzaki, what's going o-"

Amongst the shouts of surprise, the frantic yelling of all the members of the Task Force as the gigantic screen went completely blank, L suddenly tensed. Still in his typical crouch, his hands on the tops of his knees and his feet on the seat of the metal chair, he fell. His body was stiff, resembling a porcelain doll, and a part of me couldn't chance letting him fall for fear that he'd be smashed to pieces on impact. So I leapt, catching him in my arms.

My eyes scanned his, that spark of intelligence that was always present whizzing urgently as he tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Maybe it was to help him finally know, to not die with any doubts of the true roles we'd played in our game, or maybe it was the _Kira _part of me that was gloating at the scene of the King finally falling from his throne; whatever the reason, I smiled broadly. It was like a part of me had been opened wide solely for him, because in all aspects he truly deserved to _know._

In response, his eyes seemed to lose their panic, a resigned tone directed at me as his mouth closed in understanding. Now he knew, and I knew. That was the way it had to be, because we were _always_ on equal footing. And as I thought of that, that understanding that we'd both recognized as we became rivals in the very beginning, I was scared. I had _won_, he was _dying_. But what would I do after? Would there ever again be anyone to match me on all the levels that counted?

I could feel his heart beat against my palm, and I greedily took in all the last bits of life in his face, not sure what I'd do when it was really over. I'd never witnessed anyone die firsthand before (which was ironic since I'd killed thousands as Kira), so maybe it was always like this, or maybe it was the fact that I was a Death Note user, but his body seemed to suddenly become lighter, eyes tinted blue as his form took on an ethereal appearance. My hair seemed to stand on end as his eyes glazed over, and then I knew he wasn't there anymore because they lost the intensity that was normally present. His charcoal eyes slid closed, and my arms tightened around him until I could no longer see the analytical orbs that had always pinned me to the wall like a new specimen to be studied.

Then there was silence.

As if there was cotton in my ears, I heard only muffled sounds. The wicked smile ever so slowly slid off my face, my eyes stinging harshly before my sight blurred up. I absorbed the scene before me, his face looking so peaceful and serene it was _criminal_. Then the volume was turned back up without warning, and I was brought back to reality as an ear-splitting scream echoed clearly throughout the room. I nearly covered my ears before I realized that the scream was my own; of their own accord, tears began to stream down my face, falling onto L's neck as my entire body trembled fiercely.

"_L_!"

I was quickly panicking, shaking him even though I knew he was gone. There was a sudden pain in my chest, seeming to constrict around me so tight that I could feel my very heart pounding. This pain was unlike anything I could have ever comprehended. It wasn't physical per se, but it was so intense that it may as well have been. A long cry was ripped from my throat as he didn't respond to my shaking, and I wondered why no one was _doing _anything, just standing around us like it was all a circus act.

"L! Wake up! Don't…"

Everyone else was tuned out then, and I was alone with him. I kissed him hard, his lips still retaining the warmth that they'd always had, and it felt like someone had rubbed salt all over the emotional wound I'd just been dealt. I scooped him up fully into my arms, and something shifted in me. My lips were suddenly kissing all his knuckles as gently as I could, as I, Light Yagami, _begged _him to come back, to not _go_ anywhere without_ me_.

"Koibito…don't leave me…L…"

I held him like I always did after we made love, hoping he'd suddenly move to wrap his arms around me like every time before. I buried my face into his neck in encouragement, but he remained limp.

"Please…" I spoke, my voice cracking. I couldn't believe what I'd done, couldn't even begin to understand the _regret _that felt like a shroud around me. I opened my mouth to speak again, and everyone in the room knew enough basic English to understand my next words. "I love you…" A kiss. "Je t'aime, mon amour…"

We hadn't spoken a word of our feelings in the beginning. We'd kissed shyly, unsure of what we were doing or where the boundaries were and just what the price would be if we crossed them. Only after we'd had sex were we forced to face the heat, to finally throw everything out on the table. It'd been difficult, both of us being so distrustful and more rational than sentimental by nature. But each time I said it or heard it, I felt lighter; giddy might be a better word, though conflicted by how deep we'd dug ourselves. And I assumed L felt the same; at night when we were alone, we'd often go back and forth until we ran out of other ways to say those three words, then we'd _show_ one another how deep our feelings ran. By making it into more of a game, we could say it comfortably without all the anxiety and weight the words had in our complicated situation. So when he didn't answer the same in another language like he was supposed to, like he always did when we played that game, I had no other choice but to continue for him.

"Aishiteru…te amo…wo ai ni…ich liebe dich…saranghae…ya vas lyublyu…"

I shook him again, smiling weakly despite how I felt inside.

"Come on, L. I know you know more ways to say it…you taught me most of those…"

I blinked my eyes clear, feeling the drops slide down my cheeks before seeing them fall. I was so focused on the beautiful man in my arms that the prideful side of me couldn't even be bothered to note how humiliating crying in front of anyone was.

"Raito-kun…you and he were…" Matsuda was the first one to speak, seeming to be the first to outwardly acknowledge that L and I had had a relationship none of them had known about. I would've smiled truly at that thought if we weren't in the current situation; L and I had been so careful. We'd gotten a twisted thrill from being together right under their noses, disabling cameras (that is, whenever we remembered to, which I admit wasn't very often…) when we wanted to be so wonderfully reduced to one being again.

"L…_please_."

He didn't answer, and my shaking arms, which were wrapped as securely around him as they could, went lax. His head lolled back slightly, his neck still supported by my forearm, and I felt sick. So sick that I could hardly think. Then the others were around me, trying to pry L, _my L_, away from me, and I went into hysterics.

"Don't fucking touch him!" I clutched him unyieldingly; squeezing him against my chest like my life depended on it. And I think it did, for I didn't know what I would do if I had my hands free.

Recovering from their initial shock at my reaction, Aizawa and Mogi continued to try to get me away from him, or more accurately his body, and I put up as much of a fight as I could until my father was finally able to pull me off.

"**No**! _L_!"

I squirmed in my father's arms, and in the struggle he dropped me. I tried to get close to L again, but Aizawa and Mogi were already carrying his body to the door. I could hardly breathe, finding myself taking shallow breaths, gasping for air as I neared hyperventilation. I felt like ripping my hair out, like biting my tongue until the taste of iron assaulted my mouth, because this was _all my fault_. All I could think of was how funny the feeling of _guilt_ was, because it made me somehow manage to want to hurt myself while also trying so hard to get away from all the pain of losing L. How stupid had I been to think that I could continue to clean this disgusting world without him on it? I was no God; Gods were never as weak and vulnerable as I was at the moment. I was human, and humans were _selfish_. Humans were selfish because love was merciless, and made them do all sorts of terrible things just to protect themselves from its wrath. I had not only faced it head on, I'd laughed in its face; and now I was paying for it. But when you welcomed it, nurtured it like a child, there was no better feeling. And I was beginning to _hate _love, because in turn it was making me hate the _world _for forcing me to choose between it and L. The world could continue to _rot_ for all I cared now; I didn't want to spend another minute living on it, let alone ruling it, if _he_ wasn't by my side.

With a swift movement I grabbed Matsuda's gun from its holster on his belt and he yelped in surprise, causing everyone to turn and look at me just as I positioned the pistol before my mouth. I just wanted everything, all of it, to end.

"Raito, no!"

Just as my finger pushed down on the cold metal of the trigger, my father jerked my arm, causing the bullet to miss me just barely and hit the plain wall behind us. The gunshot pierced through all the noise in the room, causing an eerie atmosphere to permeate the space. Aizawa and Mogi put L down quickly as they walked over to us to inspect the scene, propping him against the wall so that he was sitting down with his torso and head leaning against the plaster in a way where it almost looked like he was sitting upright by himself. My father took the gun from my still shaking hands, and everyone seemed to be speechless, their expressions all of shock, my father's mixed with absolute horror. No one said anything as I, still on my knees, robotically made my way over to _him_. Maybe if I was close to him it wouldn't hurt so badly. I crawled as fast as I could, but it felt like an eternity before I finally reached him. I curled up into his lap much like a cat, my hand reaching for his and entwining our fingers as I held his other hand against my cheek. I didn't have enough strength to keep myself up, so I laid my head on his shoulder, my lips inches from his right ear.

I whispered so no one would be able to hear it but him if he were truly there with me as it appeared: "I'm sorry…"

Then there was complete darkness, and I felt relieved as it consumed me whole and numbed that wretched pain, if only for a moment.

* * *

The members of the Task Force watched as Light quickly fainted, the hand that was keeping L's hand at his cheek falling to his side as he slid further onto the body of the great detective.

"…Oh my Kami. Ryuzaki-san and Raito-kun were…_together_," Matsuda said, his eyes wide and sad.

"…We don't know that. Light-" Aizawa started.

"Are you saying that all that was an _act_? That my son didn't just almost commit suicide?" Soichiro bellowed.

"No! I'm just saying that he could have been so disturbed that he started acting out what he actually felt as if it had been reality. The human mind works in strange ways when under a severe amount of stress. It might have all been a one-sided th-"

"My son isn't so deluded as to make up a _relationship_ with _L_!"

"It's not-"

"We should check the tapes."

All eyes turned to the voice of reason, Mogi. He nodded to Matsuda who quickly caught on and grabbed L's laptop on one of the tables on the other side of the room. He placed it on the main desk, where L and Light had been alive and well 20 minutes earlier. Luckily, it was still unlocked as it hadn't gone on to stand-by mode yet. Matsuda quickly hooked it up to the main screen for all of them to see. After about two minutes, they had found the documents that contained the video feed of what had been L and Light's shared room weeks ago. Clicking the most recent one, they all watched the huge screen before them in anticipation.

L and Light came into view immediately, sleeping on the bed soundly, and Soichiro impatiently clicked fast forward. They got out of bed, getting dressed normally, leaving the room without so much as saying a word in their tired states, or at least Light was tired as L hardly slept. There was a large 13 hour gap after that of an empty room as the boys had undoubtedly been at work with the rest of the Task Force, and Matsuda quietly skipped it. The boys walked into the room again on the screen, this time alert and focused, and four gasps sounded as L rounded on Light, pushing him against the wall in a fluid motion. Like they knew the steps to a routinely practiced dance, Light seemed to spread his legs slightly before L's knee came to rest there. Through the idea of the two as lovers had already been planted, the men were nonetheless shocked as their lips met feverishly.

"_Raito was quite a tease today_," L complained, nibbling the boy's earlobe.

"_It's not my fault you seemed to be thinking with your _head_ all day rather than your mind_…" Light teased as L nuzzled into his neck, his mouth working to darken a faint hickey near the brunette's shoulder.

"_Raito-kun has such audacity, talking to his elder with that fresh mouth_! _I think a punishment is in order_._ Wouldn't you agree_?"

Light smirked, his hands playing with the dark tresses at the nape of L's neck as his eyes grew seductive. "_But of course, someone has to teach me a lesson_. _And who better than you to do it?_"

They laughed, and then they were kissing again, tongues sliding against each other with blatant familiarity, and L's hands were suddenly traveling up the teen's shirt, causing him to gasp and squirm. Light's fingers fisted into the mess of black tresses as L lifted him up and carried him to the bed. Pale hands reached the top of khaki pants, undoing the catch with ease before starting to pull them dow-

"I've seen quite enough!" Soichiro quickly stopped the video, nearly dropping the laptop in his haste as he unplugged it, the screen returning to a bright white that was merciless on the eyes. There was a long moment of silence as the five men in the room tried to force the heat away from their faces.

"…Just how serious were they?"

Soichiro motioned to the gun that had previously been fired by Light, his tone sharp as he answered, "Don't ask stupid questions, Matsuda."

"Gomen nasai, Chief!"

"How long do you think it was going on?" Aizawa asked.

"…The only way to find out would be if we watched each video until we found ones that didn't have…you know," Matsuda said, blushing a bit.

"I forbid anyone from watching any more of this. What happened, happened, that doesn't mean we have to delve into it any further."

They all nodded. "But what about Raito? He's obviously unstable at the moment," Mogi said.

"I'll be taking him home."

"But what if he sneaks out, or tries to, um, _hurt _himself again?" Matsuda twiddled his fingers as he not so subtlety avoided the word _kill_.

"I'm sure the room with all the medical supplies has something to keep him sleeping through the night."

"…What do we do with Watari? And Ryuzaki?"

"Move them both to one of the empty rooms."

They all looked over to the lifeless body of L which was covered mostly by an unconscious Light. The former had leaned a bit under the latter's weight, causing his head to lie against the teen's. The scene itself was beautiful in a way, albeit pitiful.

* * *

Light couldn't quite tell if he was awake or asleep, the darkness before his eyes seemed to blur when he tried to focus. He couldn't feel his body, and he lay there for what must have been an hour before finally summoning enough strength to move. As his eyesight cleared, he realized that he was in his room. With much effort he sat up on his hands and tried to get out of bed, but his legs barely twitched, and at the moment he didn't even care enough to find out why. He licked his dry lips, his head seeming to throb. And then it all hit him, each memory like a knife in his gut, and his eyes became watery. He suddenly felt sick, and he was fortunate enough to have a trash can at his bedside as he couldn't hold back the bile rising in his throat. The tears overflowed, and he could do nothing to stop them from falling freely; it was like a dam had been broken, letting all the water rush through. He lay down completely again, throwing his arms over his face as he sobbed more than he had ever in his life. He didn't want to _exist_ anymore. He wanted to escape it all. Why had he believed he could kill all the bad guys, wipe them all out with his righteous judgment, in the first place? Had he been so deluded as to think that a notebook of death could make a _human_ into a _God_? And L…how could he have done that to him? His _lover_? He had the time to stop it, but he let things continue on the track leading to L's demise.

Light thought, trying to understand why he'd let it all play out like that. How had it not occurred to him that, like any human, the death of a loved one would ultimately be followed by pain? Why hadn't he changed the game, or at the very least, altered the stakes?

He then felt a sort of magnetic pull, a familiar pang of attraction, and with a jolt he realized it was coming from the few pages of the Death Note that he had hidden in the false draw he'd built for his desk. His eyes widened in shock; just to feel it close by seemed to dull the edge on his guilt significantly; he felt power tingling on the ends of his fingers. The _Kira _side of him was trying to push away his sorrow and regret as it cheered, trying to convince him again that his philosophy had no faults. He was God. He had been given the unique power to judge the evil that dared to walk upon the Earth. The proof was in the notebook sitting not 5 feet away from him.

_Yes…I'd made the decision for the betterment of the world. The world that needs me…_

_Kira _reminded him that sacrifices _had _to be made, that eliminating one person in the way for billions of others was his duty. Who was he to choose favorites? Especially when his _favorite _had the brains and means to have him executed, to let the world continue spiraling back towards its inevitable demise. _Kira _understood this logic, abided by it like it was the ultimate law, but the _Light _side of him seemed to be outweighing the other with its more unconvinced attitude. _Light _hadn't realized at the time just how in love he was; and _Light _was telling him, that in comparison, the world didn't mean as much to him as L did. There was no point saving it if he couldn't even enjoy living on it; when he'd lost L, the separation hadn't been clean and even. Just as L had been ripped away, so had a part of him. The pain of it burned like fire throughout his body, scorching everything in its path but never frying it completely, for that would be like freeing him from its grasp.

But again, the Death Note seemed to buzz loudly from across the room, enticing and encouraging him with an electric temptation. _Kira _no longer had any obstacles before him. _Kira _was God,and _God _was pleased.

But _Light _was devastated.

* * *

Downstairs, Soichiro sat on the couch, his wife Sachiko and daughter Sayu sitting on the love seat to his left. They were staring at him expectantly, wondering why he had carried what had looked like a sleeping Light through the door and up to his room like he had only done when the boy was still in his very early elementary school years. Soichiro was seriously considering telling them everything, from the very beginning. L was dead, it wasn't like he'd be endangering anyone now. And he knew that they had been suspicious enough when Light had mysteriously disappeared for 'school purposes' for a couple months without calling or saying so much as a good bye. Light would definitely be staying with them for a while; he couldn't just pretend that the boy was fine, of course his family would notice. Light was never anything but perfect with them; happy, responsible, kind, a bit playful. Such a contrast would be noticed in seconds.

"Soichiro?" his wife said, flashing him a look of concern.

He took a deep breath. "Raito hasn't been in college this entire time." He measured his words carefully, as his family said nothing, just listened. "He has been helping me, a few of my subordinates, and L, solve the Kira Case."

From the looks on their faces he could tell that it wasn't such shocking news, and they almost looked proud, really. However, he knew his next sentence would drop the bomb, but they _had_ to know.

"Raito was suspected of being Kira while he was in high school."

His wife's hands went to her mouth in shock, and Sayu merely stared at him wide-eyed.

"_Excuse me_?" Sachiko choked out.

He wanted to comfort her, to tell her everything was alright, but it wasn't. He couldn't let anything deter him from coming clean any longer.

"L had noticed him when he'd been investigating the police; you see, there had been a leak of information and he was forced to look into all the officers and their families. Later events led to our household and one other household to be watched; there were cameras and audio taps placed throughout our entire house. For courtesy reasons, only L and I watched the surveillance of our home, and it was around that time that L became more suspicious of Raito, so he eventually decided to meet him and test him in person. You both…have seen L before…under the alias of Hideki Ryuuga."

"…H-He was the strange boy at To-Oh that gave the speech with Raito!" Sayu exclaimed. "_That_ was _L_?"

The Chief nodded, and his wife encouraged him to continue. "They got to know each other a bit, and soon L came to me asking if Raito could join the Kira investigation. His way of looking at it was that if Raito was Kira he would be immobilized and put in a stressful situation, and if he wasn't then he could be a great asset; you see, L found his intelligence very impressive."

He ran his fingers through his hair; anxious to tell them the rest, but it was all so emotionally draining. He really didn't want to think about all the stressful events that had occurred in little over a year, but keeping them in the dark wasn't an option anymore.

"Raito and L had gotten along fairly well, though L had in turn become even more suspicious of Raito's innocence. Evidence had been found at Raito's girlfriend's house, Amane Misa, that had matched the tapes that L believed were sent by a second Kira. She was then put in confinement. Shortly after, Raito had come in one day claiming that it all made sense, and that maybe he _was _Kira and he just wasn't conscious of it. I think it was all too much pressure for him to handle… Regardless, L took it into consideration, and then had him put in confinement as well. That time that you believed Raito was studying abroad for a couple months was actually the time he was in a cell under L's watch; I felt so upset and anxious that I asked L to put me under too, and he respected my wishes. In the end, the killings had stopped while Raito was incarcerated, but only for about a week before they started up again. It was then that L started tossing around theories of Kira's power perhaps being transferred from person to person, the memories of their actions as Kira leaving each person along with the power. He didn't believe so strongly that Raito was Kira at that moment, and we all eventually convinced him to let him out."

"Oh my God…that whole time…" Sayu whispered, and Sachiko was completely silent, which was something that worried Soichiro, but he continued nonetheless.

"After Raito was let out, L said that he was still suspicious and he handcuffed them together so he could watch Raito constantly. They-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, _wait_. L _handcuffed _himself to Raito?"

"Yes, Sayu. He-"

"Does that mean that they had to sleep together? And what about showering and stuff? That's so…" she struggled to find a suitable word, "weird!"

Soichiro sighed. "Yes, it was a bit strange for all of us, even more so for them. They would occasionally get into physical fights at Headquarters over something or another, but they would patch things up quickly enough. Raito would often come to the same conclusions as L, and they would discuss things, bringing new ideas to light. We all thought they had a lot in common, so they became as close to friends as a detective and suspect could be. Well…that was what we all assumed."

"…What do you mean by that?" Sachiko piped up, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

_They have to know_, Soichiro thought.

"Today, L, along with Watari, was killed."

The girls gasped, and he began speaking again before they could interrupt. "We don't know how, but Kira got to them. The thing is, when L had a heart attack, Raito was there to catch him. He watched him die, and he…he…"

"He what, dear? What did Raito do?"

He hadn't really had time to grieve over his son's sexuality, as he had had more pressing matters to deal with at the moment such as dealing with the deaths of L and Watari, so it was really starting to sink in now that he was about to verbalize it. "…He screamed. He shook him, begged him not to go. A-And then he kissed him."

"_What_?" they exclaimed in unison.

"…Raito kissed him. The affection he showed was something I've never seen from him, ever. Then he started telling him that he loved him. He must have said in at least five different languages. He started crying, and when we tried to separate them he told us not to touch him; he actually cursed at us. We eventually pulled him away, and in the second that Raito saw two of the task members taking L away he lost it. He grabbed another member's gun, and…"

Tears welled in his eyes, and he fought to hold them back. He had to keep it together, for his family. Breaking down was not an option. "Sachiko, he tried to shoot himself in the mouth. He pulled the trigger, but I moved his arm so that the bullet missed. But he had just looked so…devastated. It was heartbreaking. After the gun shot, the members had all huddled around us, and I took the gun away from him. Raito went over to where they had set L down and he sat on his lap. He seemed so out of it, and we couldn't hear what he said, but he whispered something in L's ear. Then he fainted."

"…Soichiro," Sachiko's voice cracked, and she wiped the tears flowing from her eyes. "I have to go to him."

The distressed mother rose from her seat, moving towards the stairs in a rush. Soichiro quickly followed, his hand wrapping around her wrist and effectively holding her. "Please, I have t-"

"He's out cold, Sachiko. I needed to make sure he wouldn't hurt himself or anyone else so I gave him a strong sleeping aid."

She put her head in her hands, and the Chief didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms as she cried softly.

"I-I don't understand. How could that have been possible? Wouldn't you all have noticed a relationship between them?"

"They'd never done anything that would lead us to that conclusion. But once we ended things for the night they'd go to bed by themselves."

"I believe Raito, but how do you guys know for sure? I mean, I watched a drama called Poison Apple where this girl lost her _best_ friend, who was ironically played by the _real_ Hideki Ryuuga, and she flipped out and told the police that he was her husband and stuff."

Soichiro nodded. Sayu hadn't stated things the way Aizawa had, but just the fact that she hadn't immediately blocked out any other scenario, had considered the possibility of Raito not being in his right mind, proved that she was much smarter than they actually noticed sometimes.

"Some of the other detectives were skeptical, so we checked the video feed of their bedroom."

"_And_?" the pre-teen prompted.

"…They were very much together. There's no doubt about that."

"So the great L is dead…and our son, who may have been _Kira_ for a time…was his lover, and therefore is most definitely homosexual…"

"That was what L believed. I don't believe Raito was Kira; I just think he was in the wrong places at the wrong times. And Raito could very well be bi-sexual. He's dated women before-"

"No, otou-san, Raito is gay. He's never been serious with _any _of his girlfriends. His disinterest in them was so obvious at times I wondered why he even bothered. But then again, he never paid any attention to the boys either…Maybe he's just _L_-sexual. He's always been so effeminate, so it makes sense. I'm pretty sure he's an uke, t-"

"Sayu!" her mother scolded, blushing profusely.

Soichiro avoided eye contact with either of them, because now that he thought about it, L _had _seemed in control, and Raito _had _been beneath him on their mattress. His eye twitched, and he shook his head as if to rid himself of the mental image as he sighed deeply.

* * *

"_I love you, Light."_

"_Nghhn…hah!"_

_Light cried out as L pushed inside him, the intensity of the act familiar but amazing nonetheless. He felt a hot tongue on his neck, fingers rubbing and pinching all over his chest, and he clung to the man above him in hopes of somehow anchoring himself against the incessant waves of pleasure coursing through him. No matter how many times they did this, it was always extraordinary. Each time, sparks flew, driving them to each other, urging them to follow the wave and achieve that perfect unity; like fire and ice, yin and yang._

"_Ahh, L!"_

_Electricity coursed through his veins as L thrust into him, pushing into the tight heat as deep as he could, causing the boy to squeeze his eyes shut and arch his back as his most sensitive area was hit head on._

"_Oh God!"_

_Light felt completely consumed, wrapped up in their passion. L's hands were all over him, making him squirm and whimper with each touch. He could feel L's arousal moving inside him, with his walls clamped so tight around the intrusion that he could feel every movement, his body seeming to stick to L's cock as he pulled out and then pushed in again. The friction was truly incredible. L continued to give him exactly what he wanted, what they both wanted; moving in and out at a building rhythm, L was driving Light insane as such a divine combination of pain and pleasure attacked his senses. The teen's nails carved crescents into his lover's back, and he felt L's grip so tight on his waist that he knew he'd have bruises later. But neither of them minded, because they were physical marks of their love, there to remind them of what drove them wild should they ever forget for even a second._

_Their lips met urgently, tongues massaging against each other sloppily, the way they both loved. Light was getting closer, and he knew L was too as the man broke away from his mouth, pulling out of him and flipping him over onto his stomach; his hands found the teen's lower back before he thrust all of his length back in._

"_Uhnn! Fuck!"_

_Light's face was being pressed into the white of the pillow, his golden brown hair splayed out in disarray as he tried not to scream. Though the only people around to hear them would be on different floors, he was pretty sure they might hear such a loud shout. Try as he may, he was quickly losing that battle as L fucked him like an animal. His hips were the only part of him elevated, the rest of his body flat against the mattress as L pounded into him. His mouth hung agape, as if he couldn't get enough oxygen into his lungs, and he felt tears welling in his eyes at the feeling of being stretched so quickly and at the slight burn of every stroke inside him, but words couldn't describe how **perfect **it felt. Like two puzzle pieces, their bodies fit. Moving together in synchronization until Light didn't have the strength to continue, and L didn't have the control to hold back._

_And then their bliss exploded, expanding ten-fold as they came; Light all over their bed sheets, and L inside of the brunette, soaking his walls in a way that was almost predatory._

"L!"

The boy woke with a start, cheeks flushed and panting, his body moist with a thin sheen of sweat. He pushed the hair out of his face, his chest shaking with the sobs he felt coming on. That dream had been so vivid, so real. _Too _real.

What he and L had was more than once in a lifetime. He knew with certainty that he would never find another love, not like L. He was beginning to think that all his academic achievements had been pure, unadulterated luck and that he was really just a fucking idiot.

He sat up slowly, noticing he could move his legs again, but stopped suddenly. He rubbed his thighs together, watching with an almost child-like innocence, and his mouth popped open in shock as he felt wet. It seemed that even his _body_ needed L. Like addicts, they'd had sex whenever the urge would strike, which now that he thought about it, was _quite_ often. Was this one of his withdrawal symptoms? He stumbled to the bathroom as fast as his numb body would allow.

_Did tou-san drug me?_

He concluded that that was quite possible with his earlier behavior. He was well aware of how unstable he'd been, but for once in his life he didn't care what anyone thought of him. To hell with what they thought. It wasn't important anymore.

Nothing was important anymore. Not without him.

Light stripped, turning the water on hurriedly and stepping into the shower before the water became hot. He shivered as the cold spray met his skin, but he didn't bother to move away. He found that his weak legs couldn't hold him up any longer than they had, and he ungracefully sunk to the shower floor. He closed his eyes as the now hot water worked at relaxing him, but all he saw was L. Images of inky black hair, snowy skin, eyes like midnight. No matter how much it hurt, a part of him took comfort in the images. He focused on all the details; the long thin fingers, the slender frame, the beautiful pink lips that seemed to always taste sweet…

He tried to convince himself that it was all just a dream, an extremely long and intense dream, and he'd wake up for real on November 28th of 2003, in his bed and ready to go to high school again. But his mind wasn't so simplistic as to actually be capable of believing that.

_What have I done?_

**Author's Note: Well, there you have it. I'm not entirely sure where this is going, but the DN eraser will obviously be coming into play a little later. Please drop me a review on your way out and let me know what you think, for it would be greatly appreciated. (:**


	2. Suspicion

**Author's Note: Sorry I took a while to upload, I just had some issues with this chapter. I wrote it out, reread it and hated it, and then wrote it over. I'm still not sure if it's really good or not, but I hope you enjoy it anyway! ^^'**

**Chapter 2. Suspicion**

Soichiro sat on his couch, his wife and daughter on either side of him. It had been roughly a half hour after he'd told them the truth, and they'd merely been sitting in silence; the television was on but not being watched by anyone, its only purpose being to distract from the heavy atmosphere. His cell phone suddenly buzzed in his pants pocket, and he sluggishly answered it.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Chief?"

"Yes, Matsuda?"

"Aizawa-san and Mogi-san said that…they think someone, if not all of us, should watch the surveillance in Ryuzaki-san and Light-kun's room."

"What? For what reason? I already said-"

"Yeah, I know…but they said that because Ryuzaki-san and Light-kun were _intimate_, that there's a small chance that Ryuzaki-san revealed his name to Light-kun and that if that's the case then Light-kun would be a strong suspect again," he slurred hurriedly, obviously not wishing to be yelled at as he was only the messenger.

Soichiro pinched the bridge of his nose. He just wanted to forget about the surveillance factor. He definitely did not want to watch his son and former boss getting 'intimate' as Matsuda had put it, and the thought of his co-workers watching it as well was equally if not more disturbing.

"Fine, let me think about it. I don't want everyone watching it."

Matsuda nodded even though the Chief wouldn't possibly be able to see it, "Okay, I'll go tell them."

* * *

Light woke up many times that first night, and even though he'd gotten a few solid hours it felt like he hadn't slept at all. His head throbbed and his eyes burned slightly from rubbing away the tears that had continued to flow even after he'd fallen unconscious. He couldn't find the motivation to even get up from his bed. He was in too much pain.

Though it stung to keep his eyes open, he was plagued with the images of L's death every time he closed them, thus they stayed open. His stomach felt like it was turning inside out; the last meal he'd had was breakfast yesterday, or what he assumed was yesterday. He wasn't quite sure how long he'd been in his room, but his chest hurt…his _heart _hurt. He couldn't help but wonder if this pain was similar to the feeling he'd been giving to hundreds of people for the last two years.

"L…"

He felt disgusted with himself. He knew if someone else had killed L, he'd relentlessly search for the person. He wouldn't stop until that person paid for what they'd done; but in this case, he was fighting himself. His fingers twitched; it wasn't justice like this, and L _deserved _justice; and Light owed that much to him at the very least. Three hesitant knocks pulled him out of his thoughts, and he tried his best to focus on listening.

"Raito, can we come in?" his mother's voice asked in a hesitant voice. He didn't answer. His throat was dry, and he didn't feel like making the effort to respond.

"Raito? You in there?" his sister's voice joined. Silence. He stared at the ceiling, savoring the momentary blankness it provided with its dull color.

"We're coming in, Raito," his father said gruffly. The door opened then, and the light from the hallway seeped in, making him blink as his eyes adjusted. They all walked in, and he kept his eyes glued to the ceiling.

"Sayu, go downstairs," the Chief said.

"What! But why? I'm a part of this family too!" she exclaimed.

"Sayu please, we just need to talk to Raito about some…adult matters."

"But that's not fair…" she pouted.

"Sayu, go," Sachiko commanded.

The girl sighed to herself, but left quietly. Only after her footsteps could no longer be heard did his father shut the door and move to sit on the chair by his desk as his mother sat at the foot of his bed. Then he was suddenly being hugged tighter than he'd ever been by his mother, and he felt so utterly repulsed because they had it all wrong. He didn't deserve comfort.

"Raito, I'm so sorry you had to go through everything that you did," she said between kissing her son on the head like he was five. Light stayed silent, not moving nor resisting, until she finally let go of him. There was a long silence then, and Light wasn't sure if it was calming or suffocating. Then his mother cleared her throat, and she began to twiddle her thumbs as she tried to find the words to speak.

"Raito…I know everything."

That definitely caught his attention. But did she really know…_everything_? Or anything at all? Perhaps she was told some completely fabricated story that was as far from the truth as fairytale endings were. His eyes finally left the light blue bed sheets and found his father's in question. The man nodded in answer to the unspoken question.

"I told them everything. All of it."

Light closed his eyes then, wondering just what the point of this conversation was. If he knew, and they knew, then why sit here and try to talk about it? He just wanted to be left alone…

"I understand that you couldn't tell me about the case, that you were suspected of being Kira. I understand that all of that is dangerous to speak about even now, and that you were told to keep it confidential. You did the right thing there. But Raito, I have to say…your…_affair_ with L was wrong."

Light grit his teeth silently. He didn't care what either of them said about him or Kira, but they knew _nothing _about him and L. They didn't know the circumstances that their love grew from, couldn't even begin to understand how deep the bond between them had run despite their inevitable rivalry. They hadn't a clue.

"You're young and naïve, and L took advantage of that. He should never have initiated anything between you and him. Not only were you his suspect which is extremely unethical, but anything of that nature between two men is morally wrong…"

The boy's blood was boiling at this point. He moved himself so he was beneath the covers a little more so his parents couldn't see how tightly his hands were fisted as he tried to remain silent.

_Just ignore it…just ignore it…ignore it all until they leave._

"Please talk to us, Raito. You can tell us. You don't have to be embarrassed about anything; he was older than you, it's not your fault-"

"Shut up!" Light snapped, "Just _shut up_!" The eyes of his parents widened as they stared at him in shock. "Stop talking about him like he's a fucking monster!" _I'm the monster._

"…"

"…"

He whispered the first part as he struggled to keep his voice from shaking, "L never hurt me at all…" _No, I hurt him..._ _"_And even if he had, I'm not a minor, and I'm most definitely not a child, so don't continue to talk about me like I'm a victim either. Neither of you know _anything_ about us…"

His mother looked a bit teary eyed, but she continued, "You don't understand, Raito! He should've-"

"God dammit! Stop blaming him!" he blinked to clear his eyes, and his throat tightened as more images of L flooded his mind. "We made the decision _together_!" he choked out the last word, and then his chest was shaking and he was crying yet again. He felt weak.

_This is what he does to me…what he reduces me to…it's amazing, he's killing me even after death._

"Raito…" his mother said, her lip quivering as she fought against the urge to hold him again.

He wiped his tears away with the last shreds of pride he had left. "None of this is your business. It's my-"

"Of course, it's our business! Our own son nearly killed himself yesterday because of this!" Soichiro shouted.

The brunette's head fell to rest on his knees, and his hands curled into his hair. "_Get out!_"

"Rai-"

"Just go!"

He didn't look at them, only hearing them leave soon after his mother began to sob. He moved onto his stomach and buried his face beneath his covers, hoping to isolate himself from reality once more. Time passed slowly, each second painful. Every breath he took was another breath that L _couldn't _take.

_It's my fault. I did this. I hurt him. _

_I killed him._

He stumbled to his door, moving silently from his room and into the bathroom down the hall. He closed and locked the door, not caring what someone would think if they caught him, only that they would get in the way. But he didn't focus on that, what was important was finding what his mother kept hidden. He searched through her makeup bag, finally finding the orange cylinder at the bottom of the bag: anti-depressants. She'd started taking them when his father had started working on the Kira case in the beginning; his father had no idea, and neither did his sister. But he knew, of course; he always knew, and for any of them to expect anything else was nothing less of an insult.

_Am I really going to…?_

His hands shook, and his heart rate picked up, breath becoming shallow. Was he really going to try to end it all? _Again_? He'd been stopped the first time, but no one would stop him this time. He was alone. He'd really die, and that would be it. He'd go to Mu, whatever that was, and if he was lucky he'd have no consciousness or memories of his life.

_Suicide is for the weak…but…I can't live like this…it hurts so much…_

He uncapped the container with shaky hands. The small blue capsules seemed to stare at him in morbid encouragement. Without another thought, he put the container to his lips. He easily lost track of how many he swallowed, and when he finally put the container down he stood with his back against the bathroom door. He wasn't going to scream or panic, he was going to relax and let himself drift away with his thoughts.

"_Light…"_

"_Yes, L?"_

"…_I'm scared."_

_The teen perked up, his head that was previously against the man's pale chest staring up at said man. He saw sadness in his pale face, and the feeling he felt in response was awful. Every fiber of his being flared up; he didn't want to see L like that. Just what was bothering him?_

_**I don't like that expression at all…**_

"_Of what, love?" he asked in a careful voice. He did his best to convey all the affection he felt to the man in hopes that it'd get rid of that…foreboding look on his face. His tan fingers ran along the side of the man's cheek, and he nuzzled into his lover's chest again._

"_I've made too many mistakes."_

_**Mistakes?**_

"…"

_He didn't know what to say, so he waited patiently for L to continue. He moved closer to him on their bed, wrapping his arms around his torso in encouragement. He kissed along his collarbone chastely, to which the raven began to run his fingers through the boy's auburn tresses._

"_The part that has me frightened…is that I don't regret them."_

Light suddenly felt dizzy, his vision blurring up not just from the tears he felt brimming, and he fell. He vaguely felt his hand knock over some hair products that had been on the sink; barely even registered the feeling of the cold tile against his chest through his thin shirt. Then his eyes slid closed.

Light was floating in and out of consciousness; he could hardly open his eyes, and when he did all he saw was a blur of colors. He tried to say something, anything, but he couldn't find his voice. His body was numb, his mind foggy, his eyelids so heavy…

* * *

_What's going on?_

Try as he might to stay awake, his body wasn't listening to him, and he fell unconscious again mere moments later. The next time he woke up was nearly 14 hours later. Upon opening his brown eyes, he was met with a bright light. After blinking a few times, he saw the faces of his parents to his right side. He was in a hospital, that much was clear.

_But why…? What's wrong with m-_

His memories returned quickly, and at that moment he would've been content going back to sleep (or pretending to) so he wouldn't have to face his parents, but in his nervousness his heart rate had picked up, causing the machine next to him to start beeping erratically. Like he feared, it caught their attention.

His mother's light makeup was streaked down her face, the tears glistening from the light above; his father was pale, and though he wasn't crying at the moment his eyes were red and a bit puffy which let Light know that his father had been in a similar state to his mother not too long ago. He felt the guilt that had seemed like a weight in his chest become even heavier. He hadn't thought about his family when he'd tried to off himself, not even _once_ before or during either attempt.

_I'm a selfish coward. I'm a disgusting excuse for a human being. It's all a façade; my intelligence, my pretty face, all of it._

"Raito…_how could you_?" Sachiko whispered. "How could you try to leave us like that? _Again_?"

_I've always projected perfection to disguise my rotten core._

The tears kept flowing, and Light felt his own eyes becoming watery, his chest starting to fall and rise faster as his throat tightened. Then his mother was standing at his bedside, and the anger and pain he saw on her face was startling. Her thin hand whipped back before colliding against the side of his face with a dizzying force.

"Sachiko!" His father bolted from his chair and wrapped his arms around his mother's waist, his efforts just barely working to restrain her. "Sachiko, calm down!"

She spoke hurriedly but with an authority that had Light trembling in some emotion he couldn't quite place. "Yagami Raito, you will _never _do anything like that again! _Never in the rest of your life_!"

The brunette lay in the stiff hospital bed, his cheek tingling painfully, completely shocked. He had never seen this side of his mother, had never even known it _existed_. Did she truly care for him so much? But how?

_How could she love me? How could _anyone_ love _me_?_

"Do you hear me? Answer me, Raito!"

He managed a nod, his throat so tight that he could only mouth the word 'yes'. After a few seconds, his mother finally took a deep breath, sitting down in the hospital chair again. If the atmosphere hadn't been so tense, he'd be sure he'd just imagined his mother's uncharacteristic outburst.

"Raito…you were right before. Your mother and I don't know what happened between you and L. We won't know unless you tell us."

Light closed his eyes for a moment. His father knew not the weight of that very statement. He couldn't tell them. What if he began and merely couldn't stop? He was unstable, and vulnerable; he couldn't risk having a lapse of insanity and telling them he'd caused L's death and by extension that he was Kira. Speaking about anything was too risky, but in the same sense, not telling and internalizing it had landed him where he currently was.

_Why hasn't Ryuk killed me already? Has my time not come?_

…_Or is this my punishment? To be forced to live out the rest of my years with this pain and guilt eating me alive?_

"Please, Raito. Talk to us. We can't bear to see you like this."

"…I _can't_."

He tried to sit up, but just as the words had left his mouth he felt extremely sick. His father, having seen him heaving, quickly grabbed the plastic bucket at his bed side. He emptied the contents of his stomach, closing his eyes as he did so. It burned his throat and tasted awful, but he couldn't hold it back. Only after there seemed to be nothing left to vomit did he open his eyes; he was met with the sight of black.

_Did I vomit _blood_?_

"W-What…?"

His father quickly reassured him, "Don't worry, Raito. The doctor said that your bodily fluids would be black because of the activated charcoal they gave you after they pumped your stomach to absorb whatever was left of the pills. It will be completely out of your system in a week or two's time."

_Of course. That makes sense..._

He nodded, his father taking the bucket from him. He sat back in his bed, his body feeling very sensitive to any smells and sounds around him; he knew he wouldn't be able to stomach any food for a few hours at least. The door opened then, but he didn't sit up for fear of getting sick again.

"Hello. I see you're awake now."

A female voice. His eyes slowly slid to his left as the doctor walked to his side. She was a middle aged woman, not fat but not particularly skinny. She had a kind face; one that reminded him of his mother's.

"You had a _very _close call, Yagami-san. Tell me…why did you do it?"

Her voice was soft, persuasive even…or maybe it was just his desire to tell someone making it seem so tempting to tell _anyone_, even a stranger; like poison, he felt as if it had to come out. Either way, he wasn't about to go there. He was going to push it into the category of _not an option_.

His father cleared his throat in hopes of breaking the silence that had fallen over them. "He lost someone very close to h-"

"The man I love is dead."

The shock on his parents' faces was rather amusing, or would be amusing in different circumstances. He could tell that his father had been prepared to tactfully avoid the fact that the person close to him was his male lover, but he wouldn't have it. Lying would only serve to further sully the love he and L had shared, and what was the point anyway? His 'perfect son/human-being' image he'd carefully constructed his whole life had been thoroughly destroyed brick by brick, so he had no reason to pretend anymore. The very thought was almost liberating, but without L it meant almost nothing.

_I'm finally free to fly, but my wings have been clipped._

"I'm so sorry to hear that," the doctor sympathized. She then turned to his parents, "I'd like to speak to Yagami-san in private, if that's alright?"

Hearing no objections from Light, they nodded and walked out. Once the door was closed the woman sat in the chair closest to his bedside. "Yagami-kun."

He noticed the change in honorific but decided not to acknowledge it. He didn't answer her either, only turning his head slightly in her direction to show her that she'd gotten his attention.

"You remind me of my son. He'd be about your age now..."

"…"

"I'm not going to tell you that you'll get over it, or that you'll find another love…but I will say this: it'll get better. I'm not saying it won't be hard, but it'll get easier to live with. Just hold on tight, okay?"

* * *

It did not get better.

"Raito…please eat," Sachiko begged.

It'd been nearly three days since Light had been discharged from the hospital. He hadn't left his bed, not finding the mental drive to do so, and had refused to speak a word to anyone since he'd spoken to his parents. He hadn't touched the food left by his mother almost every hour, and he hadn't showered. Since he hadn't eaten he hadn't needed to go to the bathroom either. He felt empty now. Like someone had carved a hole in his chest where his heart was supposed to be, leaving him hollowed out; a shell of what he was. So he stay there beneath his sheets, feeling as if he was growing more and more mad as his mind was tortured with nothing but the painful memories of what once was.

His body acted as if he'd caught the flu; nauseous, sweaty, and fatigued but minus a fever. He knew he'd feel more comfortable if he left his room and began _living _again, but he was stubborn. What was his purpose anymore? He felt as if the very life had been sucked out of him. He was wasting away, but in a twisted way it felt right. 'L' represented justice, 'L' _was _justice; so did the man behind the letter not deserve justice himself? Light had killed L, thus he deserved the same fate. That was fair; it would even out the stakes. But he honestly didn't think he had it in him to try to commit suicide a third time in four days. And then there was what his mother had said. Whether he liked it or not it had affected him; he was definitely thinking twice, and she'd been watching him like a hawk. She'd removed any obviously sharp objects from his room and around the house, and she'd put all their medicine in a box that she'd locked with a key. It made him feel like a child being monitored for misbehaving.

"Please, just a small bite. Even if it's only a little, eat _something_," she pleaded.

He didn't respond, just stared ahead, his chocolate eyes lacking their usual spark. After a certain amount of time the pain of hunger became bearable, the pangs replaced by a strange ache similar to the one in his chest. He didn't notice when his mother left, nor when he somehow managed to fall asleep again, but he appreciated the small escape nonetheless.

* * *

_July 12__th__, 2004_

L's P.O.V:

He's different.

The change is so obvious that it almost seems like I'm looking at a different person; perhaps like a twin. His eyes have changed, especially. They're clear; clever, intelligent, and narcissistic, but clear. I hadn't noticed just how prominent that smug, cruel look had muddled those pretty brown eyes until it disappeared.

"Ryuzaki?"

"…Yes, Light-kun?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"You just…seem a bit off today."

What was that? Concern? Or perhaps just a show? The Light I knew before never seemed to be bothered with pretending to care about my well-being in the least. This person...is not the same. And I was there to see it, when his attitude suddenly flipped while in confinement, but I missed something. Something before that…something right before he looked up at me with such an innocent face.

"Like I said, I am fine," I reassured.

He didn't seem convinced.

But why would he need convincing? Is it wrong to assume that he'd only seek a true answer from me if he was truly perturbed by my sudden 'odd' behavior? My thoughts have been running in circles these last 10 days we've been handcuffed, and I'm getting the feeling that no matter how much I delve into it I won't reach a solid conclusion. It's like missing pieces to a puzzle; you can only solve so much before needing more to work with.

There was a sound of rustling plastic, and then a hand was in front of me, long fingers wrapped loosely but carefully around a red lollipop.

"Here. You're particularly fond of this flavor, correct?"

He smiled at me softly from beneath his golden brown bangs, and I nodded, accepting the treat in seconds. I unwrapped it quickly and soon after my tongue was dancing around the circular candy happily. Mmm, strawberry. "Yes, I am. What exactly led Light-kun to this conclusion?"

"From the bowl of lollipops you usually have on your desk, you pick the strawberry flavored one approximately 7 out of 10 times."

"Light-kun is either extremely observant, or is latching onto any information he can about me for Kira related reasons…"

He momentarily ignored the jab in favor of sipping from his cup of lightly sweetened coffee. "And if you're _seriously _insinuating that I'm trying to find one of L's weaknesses through means of a single lollipop then you're either extremely paranoid or more than a little fixated on me being Kira…" he retorted.

"Perhaps…" I admit, biting on my thumbnail absentmindedly.

He ignored me, turning back to his desk with an almost inaudible sigh, the slightest of pouts adorning his admittedly lovely features.

…Yes, something is definitely different.

* * *

Sachiko Yagami sat alone on the couch in her home, her husband having left to work and her daughter at a friend's house. Her son Light was upstairs, but one would think no one was home; he made not a sound. Her fingers raked through her hair, and she allowed herself to cry silently for a few minutes. She was at a loss. She had no idea what to do. She'd never had any trouble from either of her kids, nor had to deal with one of them ever being _suicidal_. Where were the parenting books on things like _that_?

She knew she hadn't handled things right last time her and her husband had spoken to their son about L the day before he was hospitalized. Light had been (and still was) an emotional wreck and neither of them should have expected him to be able to talk to them in that state. She also felt particularly guilty for blaming L, especially in front of Light, but at the time it had made sense to her; Light was younger, and L was _L _for Christ's sake, surely he should have stopped anything…unprofessional from taking place, or even if they had made a mistake, then he could have stopped it there. But to let it get to this point…to the point that her son was being consumed by depression at his death…surely that meant he must've encouraged their relationship?

_But why? Why would he do that? Unless…_

Unless L had genuinely loved Light.

But she didn't know that to be true. For all she knew, L had done that with other suspects in the past, or just found it fun to mess around with Light since he was so intelligent. And she was aware of how attractive her son was; maybe L hadn't cared for Light at all and merely used him. Or... maybe it was because Light was suspected of being Kira? Had L had gotten a twisted thrill out of messing around with what he saw as a potential mass murderer and worthy rival? All her theories hurt to think about…just thinking of her son being tricked by someone he loved with all his heart was agonizing.

_Knock knock._

The very stressed mother quickly moved to open the front door. Her sallow appearance greatly contrasted that of the bubbly blonde that was revealed.

"Is my Raito okay?!" her high pitched voice asked, blue eyes brimming with concern.

"Miss Amane?"

"Raito hasn't answered any of Misa Misa's calls or texts in days and she's starting to get very worried!"

_Does she not know about Raito's relationship with L? Or L's death? Surely she'd expect Raito to be mourning regardless of her knowledge of the former?_

"Amane-san, please sit down in the living room and calm down. I'll go make us some tea, alright?"

The girl seemed hesitant, and her eyes kept flicking to the staircase as if she was contemplating running past Sachiko to confront Light herself. She didn't though, but she bit her glossed lip as she made her way to the loveseat in the living room. Sachiko excused herself, going into the kitchen, but continuing to the back door. She stepped outside as quietly as she could, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket and dialing her husband's number.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Soichiro, Amane Misa is at our house wondering why Raito hasn't answered her calls or texts."

"…she doesn't know about their relationship, or about L's death, and she's still under the impression that her and Raito are dating."

"So Raito was cheating on her?"

"Technically yes, but he never even kissed her, let alone spent quality time with her, so I doubt that counts as an actual relationship."

Sachiko shook her head to clear it of confusion, "What do I tell her? She's intent on seeing Raito but he's not in any condition to interact with her."

"Tell her…uh…just tell her that Raito is mourning his best friend Ryuuga's death and is extremely distraught over it. Remember, she has no idea that you know about L and Raito knowing each other, so she'll assume what you say is just a cover story you were told from someone here at headquarters."

"What's the point in lying though? Why can't we just tell her the truth?"

"She's bound to throw a fit and it'd be better if we put off telling her the truth until Raito is…back on his feet again, so he can work things out with her."

"But if we lie won't she go to headquarters to ask one of you about Raito?"

"…We'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it."

Sachiko sighed, "Fine. See you later tonight."

She ended the call and clicked her cell phone shut, walking back into the kitchen to make the tea she'd mentioned earlier. A few minutes later she went to rejoin Misa, two cups of tea in hand, only to find that the living room was lacking a blonde idol.

_Did she leave? …Or go upstairs to find Raito?_

* * *

"Raito!"

Light was startled into alertness as Misa shook him awake. He rubbed at his eyes to clear up his vision, and hardly had time to protect himself before he was attacked with kisses.

"Raito, you look _awful_! What's wrong? Oh, you smell weird! And did you lose weight-"

"Misa, stop-"

"You should be happy and out celebrating! Why haven't you called?"

"I-"

"Come on, get out of bed!" she pulled on his arm, glossed lips smiling at him happily.

"Please, Misa-"

She lowered her voice to an excited whisper, "L's dead! Isn't it great!"

_Smack._

The sound of jewelry clinking was heard as Light's palm hit the fair skin of her face. The older girl gasped, her blue eyes widening, and Light's hand was still in the air. His face which had been void of any expression over the last few days was now sporting a plethora of emotions. He looked livid, shocked, and unbeknownst to the ditzy girl, pained. Her hand came to the left side of her face, and she simply stared at the brunette.

"W-Why…?"

"…"

"Raito?"

With slightly shaky hands she reached into the black purse she'd brought with her. In seconds Light was staring at a Death Note. The writing on the front was the same shiny silver, but it was in another language; a language he couldn't recognize as human. It obviously wasn't his Death Note, not the one Higuchi had…then whose?

"…_Rem's_ Death Note?"

"Misa took it while everyone was preoccupied with L and Watari."

"But…how?"

"I told everyone I was going out shopping that day, so when everyone was paying attention to what was going on in the workroom, Misa went to where Rem said she would be and found her Death Note in a pile of sand. Misa left after that so no one would know she was even around."

Light's thoughts were a mess, his usually quick and sharp mind slower as it tried to catch up. He felt like he'd been in a weird dream-like state these past few days and had suddenly been doused with freezing water. His fingers gently caressed the smooth cover, and his fingers tingled, the sensation spreading throughout his body. His chest was warm, the feeling similar to how he felt after a few cups of wine. He felt something, deep inside him, waking up.

"…But wouldn't someone have had to let you into the building? Rem couldn't have done it if she was causing the distraction needed so no one would notice."

Misa nodded, looking a bit reassured by Light's sudden interest. "Rem bribed Ryuk with some of the rarest apples in the world to let me in."

"Rare apples?"

"Mmhmm; Bardsey apples, from the UK, I think. So Misa was able to get in, grab the Death Note, and get out without anyone noticing."

She held it out to him with an accomplished expression on her beautiful face, looking like a child waiting for a parent to praise them for good grades. As soon as the notebook was in his hands, he felt empowered. _This _was why he was God. He'd been slacking from his duty for a few days. That was unacceptable. The notebook was reawakening the drive to cleanse the world; however, with its departure had come a realization.

_It's…addictive. The Death Note is like a drug…_

Light's hands trembled, and he was tempted to drop the black notebook, but then there was a voice in his mind…a voice he wasn't sure was his at all.

_**You are God, and this is your tool of judgment…Use it, clean this rotten world!**_

_I shouldn't…this…something doesn't feel right._

But the voice continued to encourage him, and he wasn't sure what to do. He felt like he was being pulled from two opposite directions; but Kira was all he knew. Judging, eliminating the filth that dared to walk around him, was almost second nature. He couldn't just say _no_…

Could he?

He opened the notebook, and suddenly he was flicking through the pages urgently. Looking for it…that name… It was…

**L Lawliet**.

"B-Beautiful…"

"What's beautiful?"

He didn't answer, his fingers tracing the letters over the page as if he could absorb them if he tried hard enough. It was ironic, he thought, that the man's name had actually been _L._ It was he was broken out of his internal musings as the door suddenly opened, and he quickly shoved the notebook beneath his covers. He saw his mother standing in the doorway, she looked surprised and a bit angry; he wondered if Misa had been allowed to come see him or not. From the guilty look on his 'girlfriend's' face, he'd guess not.

"I have to ask you to leave, Misa. Raito's not feeling well."

Misa looked to Light for an answer, and he nodded. "I'll talk to you in a few days. I need to think some things over."

The blonde nodded, pigtails bouncing as she did, and left without a word much like an obedient puppy. His mother stood there in shock. Just what could the blonde have said to him that had him actually responding? Sachiko then felt something while looking at her son that she'd never admit to, even on her deathbed:

Suspicion.

**Author's Note: Okay, I don't know if any of you watch or have watched Hetalia: Axis Powers, but there's an episode where everyone hits Italy on the head (when he tried to invade them), so while hitting him they chant "Smack, smack, smack…" I have that as my text message notification sound, so I believe hearing that so often influenced my writing, hence two people getting smacked in one chapter… XD  
**_**Anyways**_**, hope you enjoyed reading, and please leave a review! ^^**


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